For my friends who love writing as much as I do, you can probably relate to the feeling of needing to write, but not knowing what you should write about or where to start. That's kinda where I'm at today, so there is no telling where this goes. I journal often and thought instead of writing in my notebook today, maybe I should write here.
I LOVE showing all of the wonderful things about Nepal and how God answers prayers left and right and center, but today, I thought I should share some of the less fun sides of life too.
Here's what I mean....
This morning, in helping the kids get ready for school, I became very impatient and lost my cool. One of the youngest girls even asked me if I was angry (the first time any of them have asked me something like that). Talk about an immediate heart check! And while some of the reasons for my frustrations were valid, my response certainly could have been and SHOULD have been better. ESPECIALLY because I am teaching them about that kind of thing every single day! In fact, we start each day with devotions and asking questions about the Bible, our faith, God, and our roles in it all. And this morning was actually really awesome! We are going through Matthew and have been working through understanding God's grace and mercy and they have been so eager to understand and it is just my most favorite part of the day! So why then, when it was finished, did I allow myself to respond in such a way (not even an hour after)?! Goodness! I get so disgusted with myself sometimes. I'm SO excited to be free of this earthly body someday!
Anyways. Lately, my mind has just been operating on overdrive and over-thinking about every. single. area of life! I don't feel anxious or depressed or anything like that (I know those emotions VERY well and am so grateful to honestly say that's not where I am at). But my whole life, I have been a problem-solver, helper, fixer, etc. And while I have gotten better at not trying to fix EVERYTHING, it's still a tendency in me that I have to be consciously aware of. And so, as I prepare to go back home (for major life events like family weddings and such) and then prepare again to return to Nepal two months later, my brain goes crazy trying to sort out "what life is going to look like," "how I can be best used during my time here," "do I have all the necessary documents," "which language school will be the best option for my student visa," "will I be able to visit everyone when I am home," and "will my nephew even like me?!" Haha. The list has no end.
Where I live in Nepal is a very slow-paced community. Honestly, I thought I had already slowed down when I moved back to NC and COVID-19 made things come to a halt (and I actually really enjoyed that time!), but I didn't understand the meaning of slow-paced then. Maybe because everything around me is moving so slow, my mind decides to speed up and make up the difference?! Haha. I don't know. I just know I struggle with not feeling productive sometimes and in a rural area like this, that feeling can be amplified.
Oh! Wanna know something else funny? I used to think I'd like as many as 10 kids someday. I mean, I love kids and I'm pretty good with them and idk, I just thought "might as well!" But after living with over 10 kids for a while, I've decided I won't be upset if that never happens. Haha. (Obviously, God will do what He wants regardless, but I'm just saying...I'm not hoping for an army anymore). All the moms out there are probably thinking "mhmm. See. Harder than you think, huh?" And the answer is yes. Absolutely, yes. You are ALL superheroes!
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE living with these kids and watching them grow, and seeing them each develop their own personalities. I am so thankful to be here! And I am REALLY going to miss them when I am in America! I simply mean that I realize being a partial caretaker versus being a full-time caretaker has different responsibilities.
I guess I say all of these things to say, or rather confess, I am STILL very much a work-in-progress. And you know what? I always will be. Which is a good thing because if the work is completed, then it's time to see Jesus face-to-face and while I can't wait for that day, there is still much to be done here!
When I return in May, I am not really sure what life will look like. I know that the School of Ministry should be operational by then and I can utilize my administration gifting there. I will be taking language classes every day (which I'm REALLY looking forward to). There are also other community projects (message me for more info if you'd like to get involved) that I hope to be useful with. And even with hoping and planning, I know it is useless to form expectations because life just changes so rapidly and who knows what God will be doing here in a few months?!
Obedience is a good and difficult thing. I love that God knows I like to plan and prepare and while He blesses that, He also constantly puts me in situations where nothing goes as planned. It's good for me- even if I don't always enjoy those moments. Yet, He continues to provide that peace deep in my soul that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be. So, whether or not it meets my expectations (because let's be honest, I can't help but have them anyways), I am looking forward to being here and being in it for the long-haul. For as long as God wills! And when my sinful nature starts bubbling back up or I get restless or impatient, I will thank God for reminding me that He is still at work in me and that I DEFINITELY still need Him every minute of every day!
I remain grateful for each of you and for your loving support and encouragement. Hope you hear my heart in writing this as it is not meant to be a complaint, but rather some transparency about having an "off" day.